I hope that I can be of service in my role as a Retreat Leader. My recovery retreats are themed around the questions; “Where am I ?- in relation to God, to myself and to the world” I address unmanageability and Faith, violence within ourselves and how it manifests in the world, Intimacy and Emotional Sobriety, and Forgiveness as a path towards bringing loving kindness into the world through the 12 Steps.
Throughout the Retreat, I weave my personal experience in recovery through the steps of AA, while referencing teachers such as Richard Rohr, Joan Chittister, Thomas Keating and Bill Wilson.
My credentials include:
Retreat Leader – 2008—present
Active in AA recovery continuously since 2/3/1977
Registered Retreat Leader – Matt Talbot Retreat Movement Inc.
MS- Mental Health Counseling – Licensed Professional Counselor, Maine
M Ed. – Public School educator 1980-2019
Eucharistic Minister, Prison Ministry, Social Justice and Peace Commission
@ St Elizabeth Ann Seton Church, Fryeburg, ME
Recovery Coach Academy, Center for Addiction Recovery Training, August 2022
Registered Peer Recovery Coach, State of Maine 2023-25
Recovery Coach, Lakes Region RecoveryCenter, Bridgton, Maine, Nov. 2022-2024
Certificate, Pacifica Graduate Institute, “Aging as a Spiritual Practice” 2023
Experience as Retreat Leader
Annual Men’s Retreat – Living Water Spiritual Ctr, Winslow ME 2/08
Matt Talbot Group #15 – Holy Family Retreat Ctr, W Hartford, CT
12/2009, 5/2011, 12/2012
Matt Talbot Group #70 – Singing Hills Retreat Ctr. Plainfield NH 3/2014
Matt Talbot Group #17 – Villa Madonna, St. John’s, NB, Canada 10/2016
Matt Talbot Group#145 – Franciscan Guest House, Kennebunkport, ME
3/2013, 3/2017
Matt Talbot Group #27E – Holy Cross Retreat House, Easton, MA 9/2017
Matt Talbot Group #86 – Holy Cross Retreat House, Easton, MA 9/2017
Matt Talbot Group #41 – Sacred Hearts Retreat House, Wareham, MA 5/2018
Matt Talbot Group #16 – Port Sanilac MI 10/2018
Annual Brewster Men’s Retreat – Wareham, MA 01/2019
Matt Talbot Group #11 – Cormaria , Sag Harbor, NY 07/2019
Matt Talbot Group #127- Cathedral Camp and Retreat Center,
E. Freetown, MA 10/2019
Matt Talbot Group #86( see above )2/2020
Monday Night Men’s Group of Sarasota, Franciscan Center, Tampa FL 3/2020
Matt Talbot #76 – Immaculate Conception Seminary, Huntington, NY 9/2021
Matt Talbot #86 (see above) 2/2022
Serenity Couples Retreat- Deep River CT 9/2022
Matt Talbot Group #33- Cormaria, Sag Harbor, NY 5/2023
St Edmund’s Men’s Retreat, Ender’s Island CT 8/23
Primary Purpose Men’s Group Retreat, Ender’s Island CT 9/23
Matt Talbot Group #42 – Franciscan Retreat House, Easton, PA 11/23
Matt Talbot Group #86 – Holy Cross Retreat House, Easton, MA 2/24
Matt Talbot Group #127- LaSallette Retreat Center, Attleboro, MA 3/24
Matt Talbot Group#33 – Cormaria , Sag Harbor, NY 9/24
Matt Talbot Group #86 – Holy Cross Retreat House, Easton MA 9/24
Matt Talbot Group#127-LaSallette Retreat Center, Attleboro, MA 10/24
Matt Talbot Group #33-Cormaria, Sag Harbor, NY 5/25
Matt Talbot Groups #1&97- Loyola Jesuit Center, Morristown, NJ. 7/25
Matt Talbot Group #5 – Holy Cross Retreat House, Easton, MA 1/26
Matt Talbot Group #109 – DaySpring Retreat Ctr., Ellenton, FL 2/26
Matt Talbot Group#70 – Singing Hills Center, Plainfield, NH. 3/26
Ed Stevens, BFA, M.Ed., MS, LPC
Ed has led numerous retreats for various groups over the last 18 years throughout the US and Canada. Although each Retreat has its own unique qualities, all have had the same basic theme; “Where are we in relation to ourselves, other people and God?”
Ed is enjoying a meaningful retirement from public education as teacher specializing in photography, and as a Licensed Professional Counselor and Art Therapist at a local residential treatment center for children. He recently completed a certification program at the Pacifica Graduate Institute on “Aging as a Spiritual Practice.” In addition to retreats, he has volunteered as a certified Recovery Coach at a local community recovery center. He is an active member of St. Joseph Parish in western Maine where he has served in prison ministry, as eucharistic minister, and along with his wife, as coordinator of the Social Justice and Peace Commission. He lives with his loving wife Kathleen in Center Conway NH with their 2 cats. stevensed48@gmail.com
POPE’S HILL MEN’SANNUAL RETREAT, SALVATION ARMY CAMP, SHARON, MA – JUNE 12-14, 2026
MEN’S AA RETREAT, MONSERRAT RETREAT HOUSE, LAKE DALLAS, TX– JANUARY 8-10, 2027
SELECTED READINGS
RECOVERY/NONVIOLENCE/SPIRITUALITY
Alcoholics Anonymous, fourth edition, 2001, AA World Services, Inc. N.Y.C
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 1952, AA World Services, Inc. N.Y.C.
Undefended Love, Psaris and Lyons, 2000, New Harbinger Publication, Oakland,CA
Emotional Sobriety, The Next Frontier, 2006, The AA Grapevine, Inc., New York, NY.
The Language of the Heart, Bill W.’s Grapevine Writings, 1988, The AA Grapevine, Inc., New York, NY.
Breathing Under Water, Spirituality and the Twelve Steps, 2011, Richard Rohr, Franciscan Media, Cincinnati, Ohio
Everything Belongs – The Gift of Contemplative Prayer, Richard Rohr, 1999&2003, Crossroad Publishing Company, NY, NY.
Falling Upward-A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life, Richard Rohr, 2011, Jossey-Bass, San Francisco, CA.
Houses of Healing A Prisoner’s Guide to Inner Power and Freedom, 1995, Casarjian, Robin, M.A.,
The Lionheart Foundation, Boston, MA.
Hymns To An Unknown God, Awakening the Spirit in Everyday Life, 1994, Sam Keen, Bantam Books, New York, NY.
The Nonviolent Life, 2013, John Dear, Pace e Bene Press, Long Beach, CA.
Love in Action, Writings on Nonviolent Social Change, Thich Nhat Hanh, 1993, Parallax Press, Berkeley, CA.
I Don’t Want to Talk About It, Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, Terence Real, 1997, Scribner, NYC NY.
Twelve Steps of Adult ChildrenWorkbook, 2008, ACA WSO Literature Distribution Center, www.adultchilden.org.
The 12 Steps A Way Out, Friends in Recovery, 2012, RPI Publishing, Inc., Scotts Valley CA
Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships, A collection of Al-Anon Personal Stories, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Virginai Beach, VA. Al-Anon.org
Forming True Partnerships- How AA members use the program to improve relationships, 2015, – Paulist Press AA Grapevine, Inc, NYC, NY
Drop the Rock..the Ripple effect- using Step10 to Work Steps 6 and 7 Every Day, 2016, – Fred H., Hazelden Publishing
Becoming Who You Are – James Martin, SJ – 2006 – Paulist Press, Mahwah, NJ
SPIRITUALITY OF AGING
The Way of a Pilgrim, R.M. French (translator), 1965, Quality Paperback Club, New York, NY.
The Spirituality of Age, Weber, Robert L., and Osborn, Carol, 2015, Park Street Press, Rochester, VT.
Goldmining the Shadows, Pixie Lighthorse, (Cherie Dawn Carr), 2022, Row House Publishing,
The Grace in Dying, Kathleen Dowling Singh, 2000, Harper Collins.
The Grace in Aging, Kathleen Dowling Singh, 2014, Wisdom Publications, Somerville, MA.
The Inner Work of Age, Shifting from Role to Soul, Connie Zweig, 2021, Park Street Press, Rochester, VT.
Faith After Doubt, Brian D. McLaren, 2021, St. Martin’s Publishing Group, New York, NY.
Spirituality and the Awakening Self, David Benner, 2012, Brazos Press, Grand Rapids, MI.
The Gift of Years, Joan Chittister, 2008, BlueBridge, Katonah, NY.
The Five Invitations, Frank Ostaseski, 2017, Flatiron Books, New York, NY
On Grief and Grieving, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, 2005, Scribner, New York, NY.
The Wild Edge of Sorrow, Francis Weller, 2015, North Atlantic Books, Berkely, CA.
The Four Things That Matter Most, Ira Byock, M.D., 2004, Free Press, NY, NY.
Radical Forgiveness, Making Room for the Miracle, Colin C. Tipping, 2002, Global 13 Publications, Marietta, GA.
Other Retreat Topics
THE SPIRITUALITY OF AGING
This retreat is for people of all ages. We will examine our beliefs about our external identity as we age. We will share our experiences with society’s views and biases towards ‘older people’. We will also explore and scrutinize our inner ageists to uncover our self-limiting beliefs and attitudes about how we “should” behave. Through prayer, journaling, group discussion, guided practice, and meditation, we will learn to access the sacred resources within us to gain greater compassion for ourselves and others. For some of us, this may be the start of the most exciting journey, towards deeper self-awareness as we travel within and connect with our true self, and begin the transformative process of becoming who we really are. Please bring a notebook and a pen, along with an open mind and an open heart.
SELECTED CONFERENCE TOPICS
Several people have asked me for copies or access to some of the conference topics that I have presented over the years. In this section I will included some of these. Please note that during my presentations I frequently go “off the page” depending upon what is moving within me at the time.
WHY DO WE GET SOBER?
SO WHY DO WE GET SOBER? BECAUSE WE WERE DYING? OR, WE ARE ALIVE BUT PAST DEAD? BECAUSE WE WERE “TOLD TO” BY SPOUSES, JUDGES, FAMILIES, DOCTORS? OR COULD IT ALSO BE THAT WE ARE “LONGING” FOR SOMETHING THAT WE THINK IS MISSING? SOMETHING ANCIENT PERHAPS , THAT CALLS TO US FROM DEEP WITHIN. SOMETHING THAT MAKES ITS WAY UP THROUGH THE SPIRALING DARK DEPTHS WITHIN US. THOSE DEPTHS OF FEAR, OF “COMPLETE DEMORALIZATION”. TO ME THE “DEMORALIZATION” ISN’T SOME KIND OF SHAME-BASED CHILDHOOD SIN. IT IS THE LOSS OF THE TRUTH OF WHO WE REALLY ARE. IT IS THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE, THE LOSS OF BEING A PART OF THE WORLD. DEMORALIZATION IS THE LIE WE HAVE LEARNED ABOUT OURSELVES. PERHAPS IT WAS TAUGHT TO US AS BEING “UNWORTHY” THROUGH CHILDHOOD ABUSES LIKE “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” OR “I WISH I NEVER HAD YOU”, OR WE WERE ABANDONED, EITHER PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY OR BY A TEACHER’S HUMILIATING COMMENT IN FRONT OF THE CLASS, OR A PARENT’S SLAP ACROSS THE FACE – LIKE AN ARROW THROUGH THE HEART. WHEN WE HEAR THESE HURTFUL WORDS OR EVEN IMAGINE THAT WE HEAR THEM, WHEN WE ARE ABUSED, NEGLECTED, IGNORED , ABANDONED OR BELITTLED, WE BEGIN TO DIS-INTEGRATE, WE BREAK APART FROM THE WHOLE PERSON THAT WE ARE, THE WHOLE PERSON THAT WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. OUR SOUL IS WOUNDED. WE BECOME “DIS-ILLUSIONED” THIS IS NOT A “MORAL FAILURE”, IT IS PART OF THE HUMAN TRAGEDY THAT IS NECESSARY IN ORDER TO BEGIN THE HERO’S JOURNEY BACK FROM THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE LIGHT OF GOD.
THE LIGHT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HERE, BUT WE’VE NEVER KNOWN IT OR HAVE FORGOTTEN. THE RESTORATION TO SANITY IN STEP 2 BEGINS AS A CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR, WE STOP DRINKING AND DRUGGING. BUT WHEN IT JUST STOPS THERE WE CAN BECOME SOBERLY ANXIOUS, AFRAID AND IRRITABLE – FOR DECADES, WHILE STILL GOING TO AA MEETINGS. WHEN STEP 2 IS ALLOWED TO EVOLVE US INTO A DEEPER PLACE OTHER THAN STARK RAVING SOBRIETY, WE ENTER INTO THE LIFELONG PROCESS OF INTEGRATION, WHICH IS THE ACT AND THE ART OF BRINGING TOGETHER THE PARTS OF A WHOLE. A SPIRITUAL RESTORATION. WE DO THIS THROUGH OUR STEPWORK WE BEGIN TO DISCOVER, UNCOVER AND RECOVER THE TRUTH ABOUT WHERE WE ARE, HOW WE ARE, AND WHO WE ARE. THIS AN ONGOING AND IMPERFECT PROCESS. WE LEARN EARLY ON THAT IT CANNOT BE DONE ALONE. WE RECOVER WHAT IS ALREADY THERE. WE DISCOVER THAT WE BELONG, THAT WE ARE ENOUGH, THAT WE ARE THE BELOVED OF GOD. BUT IF WE STOP THERE THEN IT IS YET AGAIN “ALL ABOUT ME”. THE SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION OF AA IS THAT WE REALIZE THAT WE HAVE BEEN CHOSEN, FORGIVEN AND LOVED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF CARRYING THAT SAME MESSAGE TO OTHER PEOPLE. THAT TO ME IS THE ESSENCE OF STEP NINE. WE BECOME RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELL BEING OF OTHERS. THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE POPE FRANCIS MEANT WHEN HE CALLED ON US TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CARE FOR CREATION. I TRANSLATE THAT NOT TO MEAN PAYING THEIR BILLS, (ALTHOUGH THAT MAY BE AN OPTION), BUT DISARMING OUR HARDENED HEARTS AND ALLOWING THE GOD-GIVEN COMPASSION WITHIN ME CHANGE MY ATTITUDE AND ACTIONS TOWARDS “THE OTHER”. WE DO THIS THROUGH SELF-FORGIVENESS, SELF AWARENESS AND THE FORGIVING OF OTHERS FOR THE HARM THEY HAVE CAUSED US, BY SEEKING SOME KIND OF INTERNAL RECONCILIATION WITH THE PAST FOR OUR OWN DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS, BOTH PAST AND PRESENT. BY MAKING AMENDS, DIRECTLY, OR INDIRECTLY AND BY LIVING AN AMENDED LIFE. TO ME AN AMENDED LIFE IS ONE OF RECIPROCAL MERCY – THAT CAN MEAN BIG THINGS LIKE RECONCILIATION OF BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH THE 9TH STEP PROCES, IT CAN ALSO MEAN SMALL MERCIES LIKE PATIENCE AND TOLERANCE IN THE GROCERY STORE CHECK OUT LINE, OR ALLOWING SOMEONE TO ENTER OUR TRAFFIC LANE, EVEN IF THEY ARE FROM ANOTHER STATE! AT SOME POINT IN THIS PROCESS, SOONER OR LATER, WE REALIZE THAT – I AM ENOUGH, I HAVE ENOUGH , AND I DO ENOUGH AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AM BELOVED BY GOD, JUST AS I AM. I KEEP EMPHASIZING THIS BECAUSE THERE IS THAT PART OF ME, MY SHADOW SELF, THAT WILL TELL ME OTHERWISE. WHEN I INTEGRATE- IT IS NOT ABOUT FIXING OR GETTING RID OF THESE FRAGMENTED PIECES, BUT RATHER UNDERSTANDING THE FRAGMENTATION AND COMING TO ACCEPT IT. IT IS FROM THOSE WOUNDED FRAGMENTS THAT I CAN RECOGNIZE THAT SAME HURT IN OTHERS AND SO BECOME COMPASSIONATE, EMPATHETIC AND AVAILABLE.
THOMAS KEATING ONCE SAID:
“THE COMMITMENT TO THE SPIRITUAL JOURNEY IS NOT A COMMITMENT TO PURE JOY, BUT TO TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WHOLE HUMAN FAMILY, ITS NEEDS AND DESTINY. WE ARE NOT OUR OWN; WE BELONG TO EVERYONE ELSE.
TO ME, “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WHOLE HUMAN FAMILY SOUNDS LIKE “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WELL-BEING-BEING OF OTHERS” WHICH IS RIGHT OUT OF STEP 9 IN THE 12X12. LET ME SAY HERE THAT THE BIG BOOK IS THE FOUNDATIONAL CLASSIC TEXT OF AA. THE 12X12, WRITTEN YEARS AFTERWARD, REFLECTS THE TREMENDOUS SPIRITUAL GROWTH THAT 12 STEP RECOVERY CAN GIVE US IF WE WORK FOR IT. FOR ME TO RELY SOLELY ON THE BIG BOOK FOR MY SOBRIETY AND ANY RECOVERY THAT MAY FOLLOW REALLY LIMITS THE EDUCATIONAL VARIETY OF SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. THERE HAS BEEN SO MUCH WRITTEN GOING FORWARD FROM THE BIG BOOK, AND IT IS THE BASIS FOR OTHER 12 STEP PROGRAMS WHICH MODIFY THE WORDS TO SUIT THEIR NEEDS, WHILE MAINTAINING THE INTENT TO ESTABLISH THEIR OWN PATH TO RECOVERY.. OUTSIDE READING HAS GRANTED ME NEW PERSPECTIVES ON MYSELF, AA , GOD AND THE WORLD. OUTSIDE READINGS HAVE NOT DIMINISHED THE PURPOSE AND POWER OF THE BIG BOOK, THEY HAVE ENHANCED AND INCREASED ITS VALUE IN MY LIFE.
WE WANT OTHERS, SPOUSES, CHILDREN, PARENTS, TO BE WELL. WE CAN’T HEAL THEM OR FIX THEM. WHEN WE TRY WE CAUSE RESENTMENTS OR WE END UP GOING TO AL-ANON BECAUSE IT IS A FAMILY DISEASE. WE CAN BECOME EMPATHETIC, COMPASSIONATE AND IN SOLIDARITY WITH THEM.
WE CAN SIT SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER WITH THEM WHILE THEY GRIEVE OR ARE IN PAIN , WE CAN WALK WITH THEM SIDE-BY-SIDE, WE CAN LISTEN TO THEM WITH CLOSED MOUTHS AND OPEN HEARTS. AND THIS WORKS, ASK ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED EITHER SIDE OF 5TH STEP WORK. ASK ANYONE WHO RAISES A HAND AT A MEETING AND ASKS FOR HELP, AND LEARNS WHAT EMPATHY LOOKS AND SOUNDS LIKE. THESE ARE THE HEALING GIFTS OF THE SPIRIT WE ARE GIVEN TO ACCESS IF WE MAKE THE DECISION. THESE ARE THE THAT GIFTS WE RECEIVE WHEN WE PASS THROUGH THAT PORTAL TO OUR FIRST MEETING. WE KNOW THAT THESE GIFTS ARE NOT TO BE STOWED AWAY BUT OPENLY SHARED, BECAUSE WHEN WE GIVE WAY, WHEN WE EMPTY OURSELVES, WE LEAVE ROOM FOR MORE OF GOD TO GROW WITHIN US. WE CARRY THE “MESSAGE” DO I MEAN “DON’T DRINK?” YES AND MUCH MORE. WE ARE THE CHOSEN PEOPLE. GOD CHOSE US TO CARRY THE MESSAGE. AND WHAT IS THE MESSAGE: QUITE SIMPLY TO TELL OTHERS THAT THEY ARE CHOSEN. WE ALL BELONG.
YET IN MY DISILLUSIONMENT I HAD TURNED AWAY FROM BELIEVING IN MYSELF AND BELIEVING IN GOD, ALL THE WHILE GROWING IN DISTRUST OF YOU. FOR SOME OF US THIS WAS OUR CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE AND THEN BECAME OUR ADULT MIS-UNDERSTANDING OF SELF, GOD AND OTHERS, WHICH CAN LEAD TO MORE DRINKING OR AT BEST, A DRY DRUNK WHILE STILL IN THE HALLS. AND THIS ILLUSION 0F ‘I’M NOT ENOUGH,” IS THE MANTRA WE CHANT BEFORE WE PICK UP THAT DRINK, OR THE MANY AFTERWARD. THE DRINK THAT DULLS THE PAIN OF THE INNER WHISPER OF, “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH”. THE DRINK THAT WE, SO CONFUSED, COME TO BELIEVE TELLS US THE TRUTH, OR EVEN MORE, BLOCKS WHAT WE THINK IS THE TRUTH ABOUT OURSELVES, OTHERS AND GOD. THE DRINK THAT LIES TO US ABOUT WHAT ALCOHOLISM REALLY IS, A SYMPTOM OF A DEEPER SOUL-SICKNESS. THE DRINK THAT TELLS US THAT THE SOLUTION IS MORE….MORE ALCOHOL, ANOTHER PILL, ANOTHER HIT. AND EVEN WITHOUT THE DRINK OR DRUG, EVEN IN OUR DECADES OF SOBRIETY, THE ILLUSION CONTINUES TO TELL US THAT MORE IS NEEDED. MORE SEX, MORE MONEY, MORE POWER AND CONTROL, MORE PRESTIGE, MORE RUNNING AFTER SUCCESS, COLLEGE DEGREES, A NEW SHINY CAR, A BIGGER MOTORCYCLE OR TRUCK, ANOTHER REMOTE CONTROL FOR ANOTHER ELECTRONIC DIVERSION, ANOTHER SCRATCH CARD. ANYTHING TO TAKE ME OUT OF THE MOMENT. AND THE GREATEST ILLUSION IS THAT WE THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS THE ANSWER TO OUR LONGING TO BELONG. NEVER SEEKING TRUE RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE WE DIDN’T KNOW THE TRUTH , JUST WHAT WE BELIEVED ABOUT OURSELVES, (I’M NOT ENOUGH, I LACK…,) ENGAGING IN SERIAL SHALLOW RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE MERELY TRANSACTIONS OF ATTRACTION, SEXUAL INTENSITY AND DISSOLUTION RATHER THAN THE INTIMACY OF TRUST, LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. IF I STAYED BUSY I WOULD NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO PAINING CRIES OF LONGING THAT SURFACED EVEN MORE AFTER I STOPPED DRINKING. THESE CRIES FROM WITHIN WAKE US WITH DRUNK DREAMS AND OTHER NIGHTMARES AT 3 AM. AND WHERE IS LOVE IN ALL THIS? WHERE IS GOD? WHERE AM I?
“THE PROBLEM IS YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW”. MICHAEL E. DYSON NY TIMES 10 JULY 2016
WHETHER IT IS OUR ALCOHOLISM OR OUR PERSONAL OPINIONS OF PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS, , OUR BEST THINKING CAN GET US IN TROUBLE. AT LEAST IT CAN PREVENT US FROM GROWING ALONG SPIRITUAL LINES. THE THEME FOR THIS RETREAT THEME IS NOT A TITLE OR A STATEMENT, IT IS A QUESTION – “WHERE AM I, IN RELATION TO MYSELF, TO OTHERS, AND TO GOD?” IN ORDER TO DISCERN OR RECOGNIZE MY TRUE PLACE I REALLY NEED TO SET ASIDE WHAT I THINK I KNOW AND MAKE ROOM FOR WHAT I DON’T KNOW.
LET’S TALK ABOUT INTEGRATION, WHICH TO ME IS THE TRUE “RESTORATION TO SANITY”. WE BECOME WHO WE REALLY ARE, ALL THE PARTS BELONG.
IN MY DIMNESS, BEFORE THE DRINK, INTO THE DARKNESS, WITH THE DRINK, AND INTO THE BRIGHTER, BUT STILL DIM LIFE OF “JUST SOBRIETY”, I LONGED FOR BELONGING, BUT SETTLED FOR LESS – THAT OF BEING . “CONTAINED” STOPPERED IN A BOTTLE THAT DID NOT ALLOW FOR EXPANSION, GROWTH OR ESCAPE. YET IN THAT CLOSED SYSTEM THERE WAS A SECURITY OF THE ILLUSION OF BELONGING IT BEGAN IN THE IRISH CATHOLIC BLUE COLLAR TRIBE OF THAT CONTAINED ME IN THE NORMS AND UNSPOKEN RULES, SUCH AS DON’T TALK, DON’T TRUST DON’T FEEL. THE ROTE RELIGIOUS ROUTINES THAT REVOLVED AROUND RESENTMENT, RACISM, MISOGYNY, PATRIARCHY, AND ASSUMED PRIVILEGE, MELODRAMATIC MARTYRS WITH A WARPED SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, WE WERE ALL “OWED SOMETHING”. AND ALWAYS WITH THE DRINK. THE DRINK THAT BECAME A POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A MALE RITE OF PASSAGE, THE DRINK THAT GAVE US SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT AS IT FUELED OUR RESENTMENTS TOWARDS “THE OTHER” BUT REALLY TOWARDS OURSELVES. DEEP DOWN WE KNOW THERE’S SOMETHING AMISS WITH THIS BUT WITHOUT A SENSE OF THE TRUE SELF, THE DAMAGED CHILD BLAMES HIMSELF. THE LONGING, SO DEEP, SO OBSCURE, SO UNNAMED, BECOMES STRONGER SO WE DRINK, AND OH, WE THINK, NO MORE LONGING, WHAT A RELEASE FROM THE PAIN THAT FIRST DRINK WAS. YET NEVER AGAIN ARE WE TO GAIN THE FALSE SENSE OF RELEASE. INSTEAD, THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM SPINS ITS WEB OF OBSESSION AND COMPULSION AND WE SPIRAL DOWN TO THE DEPTHS WITH A GREATER LONGING TO BELONG THAT FINALLY BROUGHT US, BOTTOMED OUT, TO THE HALLS. SO WE STOP AND ENTER SOBRIETY, NO LONGER “THERE” BUT NOT QUITE “HERE”. AND WE STEP THROUGH THE PORTAL, BOTH CONSTRUCTED BY MAN AND CREATED BY GOD, INTO OUR FIRST AA MEETING. AND SOMETHING RESONATES, FROM SO DEEP WITHIN THAT IT FEELS NOT OF MYSELF, BUT IS MORE OF MYSELF THAN I KNOW AT THE TIME. PART OF ME AWAKENS, BUT I AM STILL SO UNAWARE AND UNAWAKE THAT AGAIN, I SENSE BUT DO NOT KNOW THAT I HAVE ARRIVED, THAT I BELONG. THAT “I” , THAT KNOWS THAT I BELONG, IS SO SMALL THAT I RECOIL FROM WHAT I NOW KNOW IS THE LOVE IN THE HALLS, THE WELCOMING COMPASSIONATE INVITATION THAT IS GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC, – TWO STATES OF BEING THAT HAD NOT BEEN PART OF MY FROM CONSCIOUSNESS FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
HERE ARE SOME WORDS FROM THE AUSTRIAN POET RILKE
IT’S THAT DREAM THAT WE CARRY WITH US.
THAT SOMETHING WONDERFUL WILL HAPPEN,
THAT IT HAS TO HAPPEN,
THAT TIME WILL OPEN,
THAT THE HEART WILL OPEN,
THAT DOORS WILL OPEN,
THAT THE MOUNTAINS WILL OPEN,
THAT WELLS WILL LEAP UP,
THAT THE DREAM WILL OPEN,
THAT ONE MORNING WE’LL SLIP IN
TO A HARBOR THAT WE’VE NEVER KNOWN.
~ RAINER MARIA RILKE
HOW ABOUT YOUR FIRST AA MEETING? WAS IT A‘HARBOR YOU’VE NEVER KNOWN’? OR MAYBE YOU’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE BUT SOMEHOW, DUE TO SOME CIRCUMSTANCE YOU ARE DIFFERENT MAYBE YOU’VE SUFFERED
A LOSS, MAYBE YOU’VE HAD A SLIP, OR A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING? SOMETIMES THAT’S THE SAME THING! MANY OF MY AWAKENINGS HAVE BEGUN WITH ANXIOUS APARTNESS WHETHER ON DAY ONE OR YEAR 20 OR YEAR 40.
TODAY IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER WE HAVE EXPERIENCED BECAUSE IT IS TODAY THIS MOMENT, THIS PRESENT TIME IS A “HARBOR YOU’VE NEVER
BEEN BEFORE”
WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THIS PRESENT MOMENT IS BRAND NEW.. IT IS HEAVEN OR HELL, DEPENDING UPON YOUR PERCEPTION.
OUR TRANSFORMATION CAN BEGIN AT THE CHECKOUT LINE WHEN THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN FRONT OF US IS FUMBLING IN HER PURSE, OR SOMEONE HAS MORE THAN 20 ITEMS AT THE EXPRESS CHECKOUT LINE AND WE ARE IMPATIENT, OR REACHING OUT TO A NEWCOMER AFTER THE MEETING, OR NOT GIVING ADVICE TO SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T ASK FOR IT, (LIKE MY WIFE) OR “ACTING AS IF” WE COME FROM A PLACE OF LOVING KINDNESS, IT IS CHANGING OUR ATTITUDE FROM ENTITLEMENT TO RECIPROCITY, IT IS LETTING GO , GIVING WAY TO GOD, AND THEN GIVING AWAY THE MERCY THAT WAS GIVEN US BY OUR HIGHER POWER WHO WORKS THROUGH YOU AND ME.
THE SAME OLD STORY
WHAT ARE THE LIMITING BELIEFS, ASSUMPTIONS, AND STORIES WE NEED TO MOVE BEYOND?
AT A RECENT MEETING A MEMBER SPOKE OF HER RESENTMENTS BEING LINKED TO DISHONESTY. SHE REFERRED TO FAULTY, INCOMPLETE, AND MISGUIDED ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT PEOPLE PLACES AND THINGS. AND THESE THEMES FEED OUR RESENTMENTS. WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING NEW. THIS MAY THREATEN THE FALSE UNDERSTRUCTURE OF OUR FOUNDATIONAL BELIEF SYSTEM THAT SIMPLY DOESN’T WORK ANYMORE. THINK OF HOW OUR BELIEF SYSTEM TOLD US THAT WE WERE NOT ALCOHOLIC, THE WE COULD DRINK IN SAFETY. DENIAL IS DISHONESTY AND DISHONESTY IS LYING TO OURSELVES. LYING CAN BE SO SUBTLE THAT THE TRUTH LIES BURIED UNDER LAYERS OF RATIONALIZATION AND JUSTIFICATION. THE LATER STEPS WARN US OVER AND OVER AGAIN ABOUT THE DANGERS OF RATIONALIZATION, OF HIDING OUR TRUE MOTIVES UNDER THE LIES WE FEED OURSELVES, ALL THE TIME NOT KNOWING, AND ACTUALLY BELIEVING THIS TO BE OUR TRUTH. WHAT PART OF US STILL LIVES IN THE LIE OF THE OLD STORY ABOUT GOD, THE WORLD, PEOPLE, OURSELVES, EVEN AA?
WE CAN HIDE IN OUR STORIES IN AA, AND QUITE ELOQUENTLY! WE SPEAK AT MEETINGS, USING OUR TRIED AND TRUE PLATITUDES AND EMBELLISHED EXPERIENCES, ALL THE TIME THINKING; “ISN’T THIS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO SHARE?” WE OF LONG TERM SOBRIETY DON’T SHARE THE PAIN THAT WE ARE CARRYING BECAUSE WE “SHOULD HAVE MOVED PAST THAT” AND WHO WANTS TO ADMIT COMPLETE DEFEAT AFTER YEARS OF SOBRIETY? BUT WHAT OF THE BROKEN, LOST AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS THAT WE HAVE LIVED AS SOBER DRUNKS? WE ALL HAVE OUR WOUNDS AND WE SHARE OUR PAIN BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT TRANSFORMS OUR PERSONAL AND HIDDEN PAIN INTO THE UNIVERSAL HEALING MESSAGE OF HOPE AND GROWTH THAT WE HEAR AFTER AN HONEST SHARING IN A GOOD MEETING. THE OLD STORY OF’ “I GOT DRUNK AND THIS HAPPENED..” CAN BE ENTERTAINING AT BEST BUT MOSTLY TEDIOUS WHEN THE OLD-TIMER REPEATS THIS MANTRA EVERY TIME HE/SHE SHARES, REGARDLESS OF THE TOPIC OF THE MEETING. IT HELPS NO ONE, AND IS DEADLY TO THE OLD-TIMER SO LOCKED UP IN HIS/HER OWN SOBRIETY BUT LOCKED OUT OF HIS/HER OWN RECOVERY. YES, IT IS IMPORTANT TO “NOT FORGET THE PAST” – BUT TO REST OUR STORY AND RECOVERY IN THE PAST, AND CONTINUE TO DESCRIBE IT – NO MATTER WHAT THE TOPIC IS AT THE MEETING. I CALL THIS THE “DEFAULT DRUNKALOG”. IT IS A COMFORTABLE SCRIPT. – BUT TO CONTINUE LIKE THIS INTO DECADES OF SOBRIETY AND NAME IT AS “RECOVERY” BLOCKS AND AVOIDS OUR “DEEP INNER EXPERIENCE”. “INTEGRATION BRINGS THE PAST INTO A CONTEXT THAT LINKS US TO OUR PRESENT SITUATION, BE IT MAD, SAD, OR GLAD.
WHERE WAS I (WHAT IT WAS LIKE) IS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE WHOLE STORY BUT THE PART THAT WE CHOOSE REST IN ORDER TO AVOID THE PAINFUL AWARENESS THAT THE INNER JOURNEY BRINGS UP. (THE NEW STORY) THE PAINFUL REALIZATION THAT WE ARE STILL IN WHAT BILL WILSON DESCRIBED AS THE “SPIRITUAL KINDERGARTEN”
‘THE DEVIL WILL SETLE WITH JUST NOT DRINKING’
I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH A RECOVERY INVENTORY SHEET FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION TO USE IN YOUR SMALL GROUPS. WHAT HAVE YOU RECOVERED IN YOUR SOBRIETY? WHAT HAVE YOU YET TO RECOVER?
Recovery Inventory
Today you are sober by the Grace of God. What have you since recovered in your sobriety?
-In your HEART? – compassion? responsibility for the well -being of your neighbors? (step 9) – the willingness to accept love? the ability to give love? love of self? forgiveness?
-In your ATTITUDES? – patience, acceptance, tolerance for the “other”? kindness, non-judgement? a nonviolent lifestyle?
What have you yet to recover?
forgiveness? acceptance? letting go of racism. bigotry, misogyny, hatred of self?
RETREAT LEADER 